Jokes

some guys need a laugh now and then. [:D]

I took the misses out last night,
one punch, it was friggin awsome. [:D]

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse,
apparently the instruction ‘finish off on her face’ didn’t mean what i thought it did.

I got a leaflet in the mail today that reads ‘if you are an alcoholic call this number’, so i rang the number.
it was the bloody bootle shop.

I braked hard but still hit the car in front of me, a beautiful blond got out and shouted “RAM ME UP THE ASS WHY DONT YOU”.
That your honour, is when the confusion began.

when 3 people have sex it is called a threesome, when 2 people have sex it is called a twosome, now i understand why they call you handsome.

hope you had a laugh.

cheers.

and in the words of Basil Brush, “Boom! Boom!”

Thats cheered me up,my boy has just blown up his 50 that i now have to strip and fix,Just the pick me up i needed.Ta very much.

Sorry to hear that crooky, chin up mate, ive had many a bike go ping and stop on me.

They say that 1 in 4 people in the world have mental issues, think of your 3 closest friends and if they seam OK then your the one. [;)]

cheers.

John Murphy hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

I love the jokes…I went for a job with the local council yesterday as a rubbish collector. I asked if I would receive any training ? The manager said no, you’ll pick it up as you go along.

old couple sitting in the doctors waiting room, the elderly lady turns to her husband and whispers " ive just done a silent fart… what should i do?." husband replies “get some new batteries for your hearing aid !!!”

A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

my wife has a case of gout, every time i try to enter her she yells “GET OUT”.

I was at the airport the other day waiting with the misses for our flight out,
she disapeared and they called to board the plane, so i started looking for her.

This bloke came up and said “have you lost something mate?”

I said “yeh, my misses”.

He Said “yeh, me too”.

I asked “what does your misses look like?”

He said “the most perfect face you ever seen, long blonde hair, long legs, beautiful brown eyes, see through blouse, big boobs, short mini skirt, no nickers;
What does yours look like?”

I replied “who cares, lets look for yours”.

I had a dream last night, I was swimming in a lake of Orange Aid, I them woke up and realised it was only a Fanta Sea.

took the wife down the disco at the weekend, there was a guy on the dance floor giving it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the lot… my wife turned and said, “see that bloke… 25 years ago he proposed to me and i turned him down”…i said " by the looks of it he’s still celebrating !!!"