While I was driving down the M1 the other day (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a Copper on the other side of it with a radar gun laying in wait.

The Copper pulled me over, walked up to the car and, with that classic, patronising smirk, asked “Runway too short?” to which I replied, “I’m late for work.” The Copper asked me what I do for a living to which I replied, “I’m a rectum stretcher.”

“A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”

“Well,” I said, “I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, the three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work it from side to side until I can get both hands in, then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it’s about 6 feet.”

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, “And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?”

My polite reply was “You give it a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”

Speeding Ticket £105.00

Court Costs £45.00

Look on Copper’s face…


Hahaha, heard a similar one that involved female circumcision!